Borderline as a parent: The Balance Between Intense Emotions and Education

Can I be a good mother or father with borderline personality disorder?

Many people with borderline (BPS) will ask themselves this question at some point, especially if they already have children or are thinking about starting a family. The fear of one's own failure is often overpowering.

Maybe you know thoughts like this:

• “What if I burden my child with my strong mood swings?”
• ‘What if I lose control in a stressful situation?’
• “What if I become the same as my own parents?”
• ‘What if my child gets mental health problems later because of me?’

Or perhaps the fear sits even deeper and expresses itself in the radical doubt:

• ‘Can someone like me have children at all?’

The most important answer to this should be at the very beginning, clearly and unambiguously: Borderline personality disorder does not rule out good parenting.

A psychiatric diagnosis does not decide whether someone can love their child, take responsibility, recognize mistakes, set boundaries or develop further.

At the same time, it would be wrong to minimize possible difficulties. A borderline personality disorder can In fact, it makes certain situations in family life more complicated. Intense feelings, severe fear of loss, impulsivity, rapid changes between closeness and withdrawal or difficulties with one's own emotion regulation can affect the relationship with a child.

But there is a huge difference between two statements:

1. “I have certain areas of risk that I should pay attention to and work on.”
2. “I am necessarily a bad parent because of my diagnosis.”

The first can lead to reflection, responsibility and change. The second often only leads to deep shame. Shame does not help parents or children.

Previous research, which mainly focuses on mothers with borderline symptoms, describes certain challenges: an often higher parental burden, inconsistent reactions, overprevention or problems in responding sensitively to a child in emotionally charged situations (Eyden et al., 2016). At the same time, however, this research is very heterogeneous. It expressly allows none Predicting how a single person with BPS will behave as a mother or father in individual everyday life.

The crucial question is therefore not: “Am I good enough despite the borderline?” But: “What situations are particularly difficult for me – and what can I prepare in advance so that my child and I can deal with them safely?”

Good parents don't always have to be calm.

An extremely common image of good parenthood in our society is something like this: A good parent is infinitely patient. He never screams. He always knows pedagogically what is right. He rests in himself, is emotionally stable and available to his child at any time.

This ideal is not only unrealistic for people with borderline. It is unrealistic for virtually everyone.

Parents are tired. Parents are irritable. Parents make the wrong decisions. Parents sometimes react unfairly. Parents sometimes misinterpret their child's behavior. Mental health means not, Never have intense feelings like anger, frustration, or despair.

What is more important in education is something completely different:

• What do I do with my feelings when they're there?
• And: What do I do, after Did I make a mistake?

A child doesn't need a perfect adult. It takes authentic adults who have a basic sense of security and can take responsibility for their own behavior.

Not Every Difficult Reaction Is Borderline

An extremely important point that is often forgotten in everyday life: Not every injustice and not every parental outburst of anger is immediately a symptom of borderline personality disorder.

Some parents with BPS observe and evaluate their own behaviour particularly strictly – especially if they are very afraid of burdening their child with their own disease. If, for the third time on that day, the child tilts his juice over the table and the parent becomes noisy (‘Can't you even be careful?’), often immediately follows the destructive thought: "Here it is, my borderline disorder. I am harming my child.”

But such reactions also happen to parents without any psychiatric diagnosis. Exhaustion, lack of sleep, occupational stress or financial worries can significantly impair the patience and ability to regulate emotions, regardless of a psychiatric diagnosis. It is important to separate normal parental overload from disease-related symptoms. This differentiation protects against self-stigmatization and from treating every everyday stumbling in education as a fundamental pathological failure.

When Feelings Get Huge in Seconds

One of the key challenges at Borderline can be very high emotional reactivity. A seemingly tiny trigger can feel enormous subjectively.

An example from everyday life: The seven-year-old says at dinner: “I'd rather sleep with grandma over the weekend than with you.”

A possible sober interpretation would initially be simple: My child wants to stay with Grandma today.

However, especially if fear of loss is a strong personal symptom, the thought can continue in a completely different direction within a few seconds:

• ‘It does not want to be with me.’
• ‘He likes Grandma much better.’
• “I'm doing everything wrong.”
• “My child no longer loves me.”
• “At some point, it won't want anything to do with me anymore.”

The feeling of panic, grief or anger that arises afterwards is absolutely real and physically palpable. But the interpretations Therefore, the situation does not have to be right for a long time.

This is one of the most important skills for parents with BPS:

Separate feeling and action

You can be hurt. You can be scared. You can panic inside. But not every feeling needs to be immediately transformed into an unreflected action (a verbal counterattack or emotional withdrawal).

Precisely this small gap between feeling and action is crucial. With high emotional tension, he sometimes feels barely present – but he can be trained.

If the first impulse is: "Then move right to your grandma, if it's much better there anyway!" – then it is necessary to interrupt this impulse.

Instead, the reaction may be:

“Okay. I just realized that this makes me a bit sad because I was looking forward to our weekend. I have to think about it for a moment, we'll discuss it after dinner.”

The feeling of internal injury has not disappeared. But the child was not punished with love deprivation or blamed for the adult's emotions.

Children must not become emotional regulators of their parents (parenting)

This point is essential for the healthy development of a child. Children are incredibly empathetic. They are allowed to give comfort, they are allowed to hug their parents and they are allowed to realize that mom or dad are sad.

However, it can become problematic if such messages occur regularly and the child increasingly develops the feeling of being responsible for the emotional stability of the parent. This can lead to forms of role reversal or role confusion. If the child increasingly assumes emotional or practical responsibility, which should actually lie with the adult, parenting is often spoken of (Macfie et al., 2015).

This is often due to very subtle statements:

• “You are the only person in the world I still have.”
• “Without you, I wouldn’t know what to do.”
• ‘You must never leave me.’

For adults, such phrases are often the pure expression of intense love. However, a child can develop a stressful inner conviction from this: My own autonomy and my disabling cause unbearable suffering for mom/dad.

A healthy bond then becomes a pressing responsibility. The child may begin to increasingly set aside their own needs (such as meeting friends, hobbies, later own partnerships), only to avoid the emotional response of the parent.

Better would be the wording:

“I'll miss you when you're on a school trip for the week. But I'm an adult and I'm good on my own. I wish you a lot of fun!”

The difference is huge. In the first case, the child must provide for the feeling of the adult. In the second case, the feeling may exist – but the adult carries it himself.

‘Mom or dad sometimes has very strong feelings’

Children often notice much more than adults believe. They notice body language, altered vocal positions, abrupt silence or tension in the room long before a word is changed.

Therefore, protection does not automatically mean completely hiding mental illness from children. When something is visible, but no one talks about it, children look for the explanation surprisingly often in themselves.

An age-appropriate explanation can be enormously relieving here. Specialised offers for families recommend providing children with comprehensible information and explicitly clarifying that they have neither caused the disease nor are responsible for curing it (Lenz, 2014).

In the case of a younger child, one could say:

“Mom sometimes has feelings that grow up very quickly. Sometimes I need a little rest. You did absolutely nothing wrong with that.”

For an older child:

“I have a mental illness called borderline personality disorder. With me, feelings can sometimes become faster and stronger than with other people. I work on it and have people who support me. It is never your job to be my therapist.”

In the case of young people, it may be even more differentiated:

“Perhaps you have already noticed that I experience some situations very intensely and sometimes quickly get afraid of losing someone. That explains some of my reactions, but doesn't excuse everything. If I'm unfair to you, you can tell me that.”

A diagnosis can explain behavior. However, it does not automatically correct injurious behavior.

Children need predictability – no military perfection

For children, predictability is an important part of safety. You don't have to get your dinner at exactly 6:02 p.m. every day. But you should know the basic rules of the game of everyday life.

Especially with strong mood swings, such external structures can help extremely, because it is not necessary to decide every day according to the current emotional situation.

An example: On a good day, a parent thinks: “Today my child is allowed to watch TV until 10 p.m. We have so much fun.” The next day, the same parent is exhausted and irritated: “What do you think about wanting to watch TV at 8 p.m.? Let's go to bed!’

This creates a problem for the child: I don't know what rule actually applies. This makes one's own behavior increasingly dependent on how mum or dad are currently tuned.

More helpful is a kind of Basic family law. These are key rules that are set in quiet times:

1. On school days, screen time ends at 8 p.m.
2. We're not beating anybody.
3. We're not insulting each other.
4. Adults take a break when they get too angry.
5. After a fight, we'll talk again later.

In an emotionally charged situation, it is no longer necessary to decide: “What do I think is right?” Instead, the question is: “What did we agree on when we were quiet?”

It is precisely these areas – structure, emotion regulation and conflict management – that are also key building blocks of specialised parenting training, such as the Borderline and Motherhood programme developed at FU Berlin (Buck-Horstkotte et al., 2015; Renneberg & Rosenbach, 2016). A recent Australian study, for example, shows that such specialized parent interventions are not just theoretical concepts: A short, targeted group intervention for parents with BPS significantly reduced the reported parental burden compared to standard treatment (Grenyer et al., 2025).

Overprotection: When Fear of Loss Looks Like Care

Fear of loss can affect education in several ways. Some parents consistently avoid any limiting because a "no" may trigger a rejection of the child. The other side of the fear of loss, however, can be a strong overprotection.

A ten-year-old child, for example, wants to go to the kiosk alone. In the head of the parent, a chain of associations immediately arises: accident. kidnapping. The child disappears. The fear becomes so great that the answer is automatically: ‘No.’

If this pattern persists for years, there is a risk that the child will not learn safety, but the conviction: The world is dangerous and I am unable to survive without my parents.

More helpful is a different approach. Not the question: ‘Can I guarantee that nothing will happen?’ (No one can). But: “What next step towards self-employment is responsible for this age?”

Maybe that means on the first way to the kiosk: We walk the path together beforehand. The child takes a cell phone. After that, you can try the path alone. Good accompaniment often means slowly converting protection into autonomy.

Your child is not your own childhood

People who have had problematic childhood experiences themselves sometimes know two very strong fears:

1. “I will be the same as my parents.”
2. “I have to do everything exactly the opposite.”

But even the opposite of an extreme can become a problem again. Who was raised as a child extremely authoritarian and punitive, may say: “I want my child to grow up completely free.” Then there may be a lack of necessary and supportive boundaries. Those who have been emotionally neglected may want to be available at all times – which can quickly lead to overprotecting or confiscating the child.

In conflict situations, previous relationship experiences can be activated very quickly. Then you may react not only to the current behavior of your child, but at the same time to old, unhealed injuries.

Your child is not the continuation of your story. If your daughter disagrees, she's not your pejorative mother. If your son sets boundaries, he's not your distant father. If your teen finds his friends more interesting than a family night out, that doesn't mean you're going to leave.

The better question in education is always: ‘What exactly does this child need in this situation, regardless of what I would have needed at the time?’

When the tension increases: The contingency plan

Not every escalation can be prevented by calm reflection. Sometimes the tension is already so high that a reasonable discussion is hardly possible anymore. We need a clear emergency plan.

Stage 1: Recognising warning signs Rashes of the heart, heat on the face, pressure in the chest, the urge to get loud immediately. When these signals appear, the task is no longer: “I need to resolve this conflict.” But: “I need to keep the situation safe.”

Stage 2: Interrupt the conversation

“I'm just too angry to speak reasonably. I need a 10 minute break. We will continue to speak afterwards.” A brief explanation such as ‘I need 15 minutes and come back after that’ can help especially younger children not to see the interruption as a withdrawal from the relationship or as their own fault.

Stage 3: Regulation Individually learned skills from dialectic behavioral therapy (DBT, according to Marsha Linehan) can help here – such as cold water, exercise, breathing regulation, strong sensory stimuli or other methods that have ideally already been tested in therapy or skills training (Linehan, 2025).

Stage 4: Only After Educating If the tension has fallen sufficiently, we can talk about the actual situation. The discussion has only been postponed until the adult is able to act objectively again.

The Art of Repair: If it has cracked

Many parents with Borderline are extremely afraid of making mistakes. Once you have been unfair, have become too loud or have pronounced a disproportionate punishment, a massive drop in self-worth often follows: “I broke my child. I am a terrible mother/father.”

However, it is precisely this black-and-white thinking that prevents the most important pedagogical step: Repair the relationship.

Mishandling after a conflict would be to devalue oneself in front of the child: “Mom is just awful. I'm doing everything wrong.” Thus, the child is forced into the position of having to comfort the adult (‘No, you are a good mom!’).

Responsible repairs are different:

1. Take responsibility: “I yelled at you earlier. That wasn't okay. I was extremely stressed, but I should have handled my anger differently.”
2. Relieve the child: “You were not responsible for making me so loud.”
3. Return to the subject level: ‘The rule concerning your room applies anyway. But we are now talking about it in a normal tone.”

Apologizing to a child does not mean showing weakness or giving up rules. Rather, it conveys to the child: People can make mistakes, endure conflicts, and then repair relationships. Also in mentalization-based therapy, the ability to look at one's own and foreign thoughts, feelings and motives in a differentiated way and to become mentalized again in emotionally stressful situations plays a central role (Bateman & Fonagy, 2016).

Co-Parenting and Loyalty: Let the child get help

Especially with high emotional stress, a supportive network is not a sign of weakness, but responsible prevention and relief for the whole family.

Arrange a transfer signal: If parents are raising together, a pre-arranged handover signal can help. A simple ‘Can you please take over?’ Often enough. If a parent notices that he or she is oversteering emotionally right now, this short handover can prevent worse things from happening without an adult power struggle in front of the child.

Give permission to speak: One of the most important sentences you can give a child is permission not to have to guard family secrets.

“You can also talk to grandma, dad, your teacher or someone else about it if something is bothering you at home or if my behaviour is unsettling you.”

This prevents unwanted conflicts of loyalty. The child learns that it is okay to seek help if the family situation is too heavy on the shoulders.

In case of emergency: A concrete contingency plan

What happens if the mental state deteriorates drastically? When a major depressive episode occurs, suicidal crises arise or an inpatient stay becomes unavoidable?

This idea is extremely painful for many parents with BPS, but repressing it does not help in an emergency. A written crisis plan creates security for all parties involved.

• Who will take care of the child if I am acutely absent?
• Who speaks to the school or kindergarten?
• How and by whom is the child (age-appropriate) explained, where I am and why I am in the hospital?

A prepared process and trusted caregivers can give orientation and security to a child in such a situation and prevent him from being confronted with the crisis completely unprepared.

The child may have his own feelings about the disease

A mental crisis or a hospital stay unsettles not only the affected parent, but also the child. A child can also say:

• “I think it sucks when you get back to the hospital.”
• “I'm scared when you're so sad.”
• “Sometimes I'm annoyed by your illness.”

Children do not need to experience a parent's mental illness in an understanding, patient or positive way. You can be sad, angry, disappointed or insecure about it. These feelings are not a rejection of the parent.

An important part of safe parenting is therefore to withstand unpleasant feelings of the child, without the child having to reassure the adult or withdraw his statements afterwards. A parent should at such moments try not to draw the conclusion from the child's anger: ‘Then I am a bad mother/father.’ Allowing a child to openly express their anger or fear without being shamed or emotionally rejected can help maintain trust and security within the relationship.

Conclusion: Responsibility instead of perfection

Good parenting doesn't show up in not having a mental illness, never getting angry, or being flawless.

Good parenting can also mean:

• Know your own weaknesses.
• Take warning signs seriously and accept support.
• To be able to sincerely apologize.
• Do not burden your own feelings with the child.
• Creating reliable structures.
• And try again and again to repair relationships after difficult moments.

Parenting doesn't consist of a single big test that you either pass or don't. It consists of thousands of small situations. Get up. Make breakfast. It's comforting. Setting boundaries. Fighting. Laughing. Overwhelmed. Take a break. Come back. Try again.

The emotional waves may be higher and more stormy in you than in others. But you can learn to build a safe boat for your child.

Sources & Further literature

• Bateman, A., & Fonagy, P. (2016). Mentalization-Based Treatment for Personality Disorders: A Practical Guide. Oxford University Press.
• Buck-Horstkotte, S., Renneberg, B., & Rosenbach, C. (2015). Mothers with Borderline Personality Disorder: The training manual "Being Borderline and Mother". Beltz.
• Eyden, J., Winsper, C., Wolke, D., Broome, M. R., & MacCallum, F. (2016). A systematic review of the parenting and outcomes experienced by offspring of mothers with borderline personality pathology: Potential mechanisms and clinical implications. Clinical Psychology Review, 47, 85–105. DOI: 10.1016/j.cpr.2016.04.002
• Grenyer, B.F.S., van Schie, C.C., Bartsch, D.R., Cooke-O’Connor, L., Kleinig, D., Steele, K.R., & McLeod Everitt, C. (2025). Supporting parents with borderline personality disorder through a parenting group intervention: a randomized controlled trial. Borderline Personality Disorder and Emotion Dysregulation, 12, 38. DOI: 10.1186/s40479-025-00305-3
• Lenz, A. (2014). Children of mentally ill parents (2nd, fully revised and expanded edition). Hogrefe.
• Linehan, M.M. (2025). DBT Skills Training Manual: Revised Edition. Guilford Press.
• Macfie, J., Brumariu, L. E., & Lyons-Ruth, K. (2015). Parent-child role-confusion: A critical review of an emerging concept. Developmental Review, 36, 34–57. DOI: 10.1016/j.dr.2015.01.002
• Renneberg, B., & Rosenbach, C. (2016). “There is not much help for mothers like me”: Parenting Skills for Mothers with Borderline Personality Disorder – a newly developed group training program. Borderline Personality Disorder and Emotion Dysregulation, 3, 16. DOI: 10.1186/s40479-016-0050-4

Book recommendations to read more

If you want to deal more intensively with borderline, parenthood and the needs of children of mentally ill parents, you will find helpful specializations in the following books.

Advertising/affiliate notice: The following Amazon links are affiliate links. If you buy something through one of these links, we may receive a small commission. For you, the price does not change. As an Amazon partner, I earn from qualified sales.

Safe through storms and lulls – help and guidance for mothers with borderline disorder

Sigrid Buck-Horstkotte & Johanna Gabriel

This self-help book is particularly suitable for this article. It is specifically aimed at mothers with borderline personality disorder and combines understandable explanations with exercises, concrete everyday situations and opportunities to remain able to act even in emotionally difficult moments.

Particularly interesting are the topics of overload, emotion regulation, dealing with the needs of the child and the question of how borderline and a stable parental role can be reconciled.

Our recommendation: Probably the most appropriate entry for self-affected mothers.

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Mothers with borderline personality disorder – The training manual ‘Borderline and being a mother’

Sigrid Buck-Horstkotte, Babette Renneberg & Charlotte Rosenbach

This book is much more professional. It is based on the specialised training programme ‘Being a Borderline and Mother’ and covers stress management, child-related needs, family structure, conflicts, feelings and self-care, among others.

It is particularly suitable for readers who want to delve deeper into the psychological background, but also for professionals and people who are already working therapeutically on their own patterns.

Our recommendation: Particularly interesting as an in-depth supplement to the article and for all those who like to work structured with exercises and work material.

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Borderline - The self-help book

Andreas Knuf & Christiane Tilly

This book does not specifically focus on parenting, but is a good addition for those affected. The focus is on the question of how people with borderline can better understand their disease and increasingly develop their own possibilities of influence in everyday life.

Topics such as crises, intense feelings, introspection and the conscious handling of problematic behaviour patterns are also relevant for the role of parents.

Our recommendation: A good general introduction for those affected who not only see Borderline as a diagnosis, but also want to learn how to deal with it actively.

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Children of mentally ill parents

Albert Lenz

This book consciously changes perspective and deals more with the children. Albert Lenz explains stress, protective factors and support options for children of mentally ill parents across different age groups.

Among other things, parenting, family stress, psychoeducation, protective factors and the question of how children can be strengthened are treated.

The book is more professional than a classic guidebook, but it complements the article excellently because it helps not to look at the situation exclusively from the perspective of the parent concerned.

Our recommendation: For parents who want to understand more precisely what children need and what factors they can protect.

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📚 Glossary: Important terms briefly explained

• Borderline Personality Disorder (BPS): A mental illness characterized, among other things, by intense, often extremely fast-changing emotions, strong fears of loss and abandonment, impulsivity and difficulties in relationship design. BPS is well psychotherapeutic treatable.
• Dialectical behavioral therapy (DBT): A psychotherapy procedure specially developed for borderline personality disorder (according to Marsha Linehan). It combines elements of cognitive behavioral therapy with Far Eastern mindfulness exercises. A central element is the learning of Skills Stress tolerance and emotion regulation.
• Emotion regulation: The ability to perceive, understand and control one's own feelings in such a way that one remains able to act in stressful situations. In people with BPS, this ability is often limited in stressful situations, but can be trained.
• Conflict of Loyalty: A massive internal state of stress in children that arises when they feel they have to choose between two caregivers or have to guard a problematic secret to protect a parent. Open communication and permission to seek help prevent this.
• Mentalization-based therapy (MBT): A psychotherapeutic procedure (according to Anthony Bateman and Peter Fonagy) that specifically mentalisation trained. This means: The ability not to interpret one's own behavior and the behavior of others (such as one's own child) as an evil intention, but to understand it through the thoughts, feelings and motives behind it.
• Parentification (reversal of roles): A relationship dynamic in which the normal family roles are reversed. The child assumes practical or emotional responsibility that should lie with the adult parent – for example, by comforting the parent after conflicts or ensuring their psychological stability.
• Self-stigmatisation: A psychological process in which those affected internalize the negative prejudices and clichés of society about their own diagnosis. In the context of parenthood, this often leads to the devastating but false belief: “Because of my diagnosis, I am automatically a bad parent.”
• Skills: Concrete skills and behaviours (often from the DBT) that help people with high tension to cope with crises without reacting destructively. In everyday family life, skills (such as cold stimuli, intense exercise or breathing techniques) help to reduce one's stress to such an extent that one can act as an adult parent again.