It is one of the most misunderstood symptoms of borderline personality disorder (BPS). Many people have heard the term before, perhaps in movies or series, where it is often portrayed dramatized. But only a few – even in the immediate vicinity of those affected – really understand what is happening inside a person. Why does it occur? Why are those affected often themselves panicked about it? And most importantly: How do you get out of there?
This article is not a medical textbook. He is a guide. It is intended to build bridges between the chaotic inner life of those affected and the often perplexed outside world. We dispense with unnecessary technical Chinese and mystification. Instead, we rely on radical honesty, pictorial explanations, and strategies that work in real life.
If you sometimes feel like you are dissolving, or if you love someone who is sometimes ‘just gone’: This text is for you.
1. What does dissociation mean? The ‘emergency stop switch’ of the soul
To understand dissociation, we need to imagine the human brain as a highly complex house with an electrical system. Light is burning in this house, the TV is running, the dishwasher is buzzing – this is our normal everyday life. We perceive, we feel, we remember. Everything is interconnected.
Dissociation is the moment when the fuse flies out.
Scientifically speaking, dissociation describes a Separation process. It is a separation of functions that usually belong together: Perception, memory, identity and emotions. When a person is emotionally, mentally or physically massively overwhelmed, the brain cuts the connection between these elements.
Important to understand: Dissociation is not a fantasy. It is not a ‘seat job’ and certainly not a spectacle to attract attention. It is an Biological protection reaction.
Imagine you're on a hot stovetop. Before you consciously think ‘Oh, that's hot’, you've already pulled your hand away. This is a physical reflex. Dissociation is the psychic equivalent. When reality becomes too painful, too scary or too overwhelming, the brain pulls the emergency brake. It says: “I can no longer process this. I am now switching off so that the system does not burn out.”
An example from an internal perspective:
“It does not happen suddenly with a bang. It's more like someone is slowly turning down the volume control of the world. The colors fade. The voice of my counterpart suddenly sounds metallic, like from a bad radio. I can see my hands on the table, but I can't feel them. I know I'm in a fight right now, but the anger and fear are gone. There's only cotton.’
2. Dissociation is not a borderline unique selling point (but it's different)
It is important to depathologize dissociation. Everyone dissociates. It is an ability of our brain that even helps us in everyday life.
The ‘everyday trance’
Do you know the phenomenon of ‘highway hypnosis’? You drive a well-known route, arrive at home and can't remember the last 20 kilometers. You switched, braked and steered – but your consciousness was elsewhere. Or you're so engrossed in a book that you don't hear someone calling your name. These are mild, functional dissociations. Your brain filters out unimportant things to save resources.
The Difference in Borderline
However, in people with borderline personality disorder, this mechanism is altered. Not only does it occur to bridge boredom, but it is a response to extreme stress.
The differences are serious:
- Frequency: It doesn't happen every once in a while, but often on a daily basis.
- Intensity: It is not a soft dream, but a complete loss of reality.
- Duration: The condition can last for minutes, hours or, in extreme cases, days.
- Suffering pressure: While highway hypnosis is harmless, pathological dissociation is often associated with anxiety, disorientation, and loss of function.
The reason for this difference lies in the ‘hardware’ of the brain and how it processes stress.
3. Why is borderline affected so hard? The high sensitivity dilemma
To understand why borderline sufferers dissociate so quickly, we need to talk about ‘thin skin’ – and that is not meant to be judgmental.
People with BPS often have a genetic, highly sensitive nervous system. You can imagine it like a sunburn: If someone with healthy skin (nerve system) is easily touched on the arm, that's okay. If someone with a strong sunburn is touched in the same place, it is hard to bear.
Emotional stimuli, interpersonal tensions or small rejections meet this ‘burnt’ nervous system.
- Feelings quickly reach an intensity of 0 to 100.
- The ‘overload threshold’ is lower than in neurotypical people.
- The stress system (cortisol release) is slightly increased over time and immediately switches to ‘risk of life’ in the case of small items.
Since the brain cannot run permanently at level 100 without taking damage, it reaches for the only remaining solution: Shutdown. Dissociation is the airbag that rises before the emotional impact is fatal.
4. The view under the hood: What happens neurobiologically?
For the skeptics who think this is all ‘heads up’: Dissociation can be seen in MRI (magnetic resonance imaging). It is a real, physiological process.
Think of your brain as a team:
- The amygdala: This is the guard dog. She is responsible for fear, danger and alarm.
- The prefrontal cortex: This is the librarian. He is responsible for logic, planning, language and classification (‘Is this really dangerous or just loud?’).
In a borderline-related stress situation, the following happens: The amygdala (the watchdog) sees a trigger (e.g. a critical look) and spins completely. She yells ‘Danger!’. Normally the librarian would say: ‘Quiet, Bello, that was just a look.’ But in a dissociation, the librarian is gagged and locked in the basement.
The brain scans show:
- Hyperactivity in the limbic system (emotions/fear): It shines like a Christmas tree.
- Inhibition in the cerebrum (thinking/language/body perception): These areas are barely circulated.
The brain unconsciously decides: “There is no time to think and talk. We need to eliminate the sensation of pain in order to survive.” The result is that the affected person looks rigid, can no longer speak or feels nothing.
5. The Many Faces of Dissociation – More than Just 'Taken Away'
Dissociation is a chameleon. It is rarely the same and can change over the years. This is confusing for relatives and frightening for those affected. We break down the forms once in order to make them tangible.
5.1 Depersonalisation: The Stranger in the Mirror
This is the feeling of being detached from your own self. How does that feel?
- “I look down at myself and see hands doing things. But I don't feel like I control those hands. They are “the” hands, not “my” hands.’
- “When I look in the mirror, I see a person I know, but I am not. It's like an avatar in a video game.”
- “My voice sounds strange, as if someone else is speaking through my mouth.”
This is particularly frightening because those affected can often still think logically (‘This is illogical, these are my hands’), but the feeling Lack of affiliation.
5.2 Derealization: The world behind glass
Here the environment seems foreign, artificial or distorted. How does that feel?
- The cheese bell effect: Everything looks like a thick sheet of glass or cotton wool between you and the world.
- Visual distortions: The room suddenly looks extremely long (tunnel view) or two-dimensional, like a painting. Colors can become extremely bright or completely gray.
- Acoustic changes: Voices sound far away, dull or echoing. Background noise (such as ticking a clock) can suddenly become deafeningly loud, while speech becomes incomprehensible.
5.3 Emotional numbness (numbing): The Big Nothing
This is often the brain's attempt to block intolerable pain. How does that feel?
- You know cognitively: “I should cry now. My partner just left me." But there's nothing there. No tear, no lump in the throat. Just a cold, wide emptiness.
- It is not peace or quiet. It is the absence of life. Like a switched off TV.
- Positive feelings no longer come through. You win the lottery and just shrug your shoulders.
5.4 Temporal dissociation (amnesia): Time travel against will
The sense of time is lost or memories are not stored. How does that feel?
- “I was sitting on the sofa, it was 2 p.m. I blink, and suddenly it's dark outside and 8 p.m. I have no idea what happened in the six hours.”
- You can find things in the shopping cart that you don't remember putting in.
- Talks are held that are not remembered later. This often leads to disputes (‘I told you so!’ – ‘No, you didn’t!’).
6. Typical triggers: Why is this happening now?
Dissociations often seem arbitrary, but they are almost never. There is almost always a trigger. The treacherous: The trigger does not have to be logical or bad for outsiders.
Common triggers for borderline:
- Interpersonal conflicts: A fight with your partner is a classic. The fear of abandonment (a core symptom of BPS) triggers extreme stress -> dissociation.
- Sensory overstimulation: Too much noise, too many people (supermarket, subway), flickering light.
- Performance pressure: “You have to have it ready by tomorrow.”
- Trauma triggers: A certain smell (e.g. shaving water, alcohol), a song or a certain vocal position that unconsciously reminds of previous traumatic experiences.
An example of a micro-trigger: The boss looks at the clock while you talk.
- Interpretation of the brain: “He is bored. He doesn't care. I'm worthless. I'm getting fired. Fear of existence.’
- Response: dissociation. For the boss, it was just a look at the clock. For the BPS brain, it was an existential threat.
7. Why dissociation scares you so much
It sounds paradoxical: The mechanism that is meant to protect against fear itself is frightening. Why? Because he is with Loss of control goes along.
Many people describe the fear: “Am I going crazy? Will I ever get out of there? Am I breaking up right now?’ In addition, there is social anxiety: ‘Do the others think so? Am I acting funny? I can't answer right now, they'll think I'm stupid.”
This ‘fear of fear’ is a vicious circle. Fear of dissociation creates stress. Stress promotes dissociation. The most important message here: Dissociation is not dangerous. She feels terrible, but she passes. Always. Your brain cannot maintain this state of pure energy forever. You're not going crazy. Your system is only working in emergency power mode.
8. Dissociation vs. ‘He just doesn’t want to’ – misunderstandings in the environment
A huge problem is the external impact. Someone who dissociates often doesn't look panicked. He often looks bored ….
How it works from the outside:
- The gaze is rigid (‘staring spells’).
- The face is masked and emotionless.
- The affected person responds delayed or not at all.
- Posture is limp.
What people often think (and say):
- ‘Are you even listening to me?’
- "Don't ignore me now!"
- “You are so arrogant/indifferent.”
- “Get together.”
What Really Happens: The person concerned may hear the words, but he cannot decipher them. He wants to answer, but the connection between the brain and the mouth tool is broken. He is trapped in his own body. Accusations in this situation are like oil in the fire. They increase stress levels and deepen dissociation.
9. The taboo topic: Dissociation in Love and Intimacy
While dissociations are already stressful in everyday life, they often become a test of tears in a partnership. The topic of sexuality is particularly shameful. Many borderline sufferers are aware of the phenomenon, while intimate moments suddenly ‘drift away’.
Why does this happen? Intimacy means closeness. Proximity means vulnerability. For a traumatised nervous system, it is precisely this vulnerability – although it should be beautiful – that can be interpreted as a threat. When boundaries blur (what happens during sex), the brain switches to protective mode: It decouples the mind from the body.
For the partner, this often feels like a rejection:
- “Don’t you find me attractive?”
- “Am I boring you?”
For the person concerned, it is often retraumatization or pure disgust with himself:
- One lets the action pass over oneself (‘body rigidity’).
- You can watch the scene from the ceiling.
Solutions for couples: Openness is the only key here, even if it's hard.
- Arrange stop signals: A simple hand sign or code word that immediately means: Take a break. Without discussion.
- Debriefing: Not immediately after, but in a quiet moment explain: “When I leave, it has nothing to do with you. It's a short circuit in my head.”
- Slowness: The faster and wilder the situation, the higher the stress level. Mindful, slow touches often help the person to stay in the body (‘tell my hand on your back’).
10. Coping strategies – The way back to the body
If you notice that you are drifting away, or if you are already ‘dark’, complex thoughts do not help. You can't think of a dissociation. You have to get outfeel.
We need strong, clear stimuli to signal to the brain: ‘Here is your body. You're here. It is safe.’ This is called Grounding (Grounding up).
10.1 The ‘reset button’ through strong sensory stimuli (skills)
Skills are skills to regulate high tension. In dissociation, we need ‘averse’ (unpleasant but harmless) stimuli.
- Taste: Bite on a chilli, chew on a slice of lemon or take an extremely spicy mint (e.g. Fisherman’s Friend). The sharpness stimulus forces the brain to focus on the mouth.
- Smell: Ammonia chopsticks (from the pharmacy – be careful, very strong!), Japanese medicinal plant oil or lavender oil (if you want it to calm down).
- Temperature: Run ice-cold water over the forearms. Hold an ice cube firmly in your hand until it hurts. Put cool packs in the neck.
10.2 The 5-4-3-2-1 Technique (For the Beginning of Dissociation)
This exercise helps to direct the focus from the inside (chaos/empty) to the outside (reality). Name (loud or in the head):
- 5 Things you see (lamp, table, stain on the wall …)
- 4 Things you feel (fabric of trousers, floor under the feet, glasses on the nose …)
- 3 Things you hear (car outside, computer fan, own breathing …)
- 2 Things you smells (coffee, perfume …)
- 1 Thing that you tastes.
10.3 Body activation
Dissociation is often a freeze-response. Movement breaks the ice.
- Rocking: Stand up and bounce from your toes to your heels. Feel the ground.
- Hedgehog ball: Roll a hedgehog ball firmly over your arms or legs.
- Muscle relaxation: Tension all muscles in the body as tightly as possible for 5 seconds – and let go abruptly.
10.4 Social anchors (for relatives)
If you notice someone dissociating:
- Don't scream, don't shake!
- Speak calmly, clearly and in short sentences.
- Say the name: ‘Sascha, you're right here in the living room. You are safe.’
- Offer stimuli: ‘Would you like a sip of water?’ or ‘Sniff the chair under you.’
- Have patience. The brain reboots, which takes a moment.
11. Your personal emergency case: A checklist
Theory is good, practice is better. When dissociation starts, you no longer have the capacity to think about what's good for you. That is why we are now creating a physical or digital ‘emergency case’.
Many of those affected carry a small bag containing their ‘anti-dissociation tools’. Here's a list of inspirations for what's in there:
For the sense of smell (the strongest sensory organ):
- [ ] A small bottle of ammonia lavender (ready as a olfactory stick in the pharmacy).
- [ ] Japanese Mint Oil (Beware of Eyes!).
- [ ] A cloth with the perfume of a safe person (e.g. partner or best friend).
- [ ] coffee beans in a small can.
For the sense of touch (haptic):
- [ ] Hedgehog Ball (Massage Ball with Spikes).
- [ ] A stone with a rough surface.
- [ ] An elastic band on the wrist (for "sniffing" - a slight pain stimulus that does not hurt).
- [ ] clay or a fidget toy.
For the taste:
- [ ] chili gummy bear.
- [ ] effervescent powder (tingles strongly on the tongue).
- [ ] A lemon (when you are at home).
- [ ] Wasabi peas.
For the head (cognitive):
- [ ] A flashcard containing phrases such as:
- “I am an adult. I'm sure. It is today, not before.”
- "The feeling is disgusting, but it doesn't kill me."
- [ ] A photo of a safe place or your pet.
- [ ] A list of telephone numbers (therapist, crisis service, best friend).
Pro tip: Pack this suitcase if it suits you. good I'm leaving. When you're under stress, you won't find these things otherwise.
12. Long-term perspectives – do I have to live with them?
The good news: Dissociations are treatable. They may not go away overnight, but you can learn to recognize the early warning signs.
- “Oh, my hands are tingling, I'm losing focus.” -> Apply Skill immediately.
Forms of therapy such as DBT (dialectical behavioral therapy) They specialize in regulating these periods of high stress. Also Trauma-sensitive therapies (such as EMDR) can help to defuse the old triggers, so that the brain no longer triggers the fire alarm with each trigger.
13. Short & Short: 5 Myths About Dissociation We Need to Eliminate
To round off this article, we clean up once again with the harshest prejudices. If someone comes to you stupid, you can show them this list.
Myth 1: ‘Dissociation is schizophrenia’. Fact: No. In schizophrenia, people often hear voices or have delusions. In dissociation, the reality check is usually intact (man white, The feeling of unreality is not normal.
Myth 2: ‘Anyone who dissociates is dangerous.’ Fact: On the contrary. Dissociation is an escape inward (freeze state). Those affected are usually incapable of acting at this moment and are more likely to be a danger to themselves (risk of falling, traffic) than to others.
Myth 3: ‘This is just acting.’ Fact: Dissociation is physiologically measurable (pulse, skin conduction resistance, brain scans). No one chooses this state of affairs voluntarily. He's extremely uncomfortable.
Myth 4: "You just have to scream loud enough, then the person wakes up." Fact: Please don't! Crying increases stress levels. Stress is the trigger. Crying usually makes the dissociation deeper and longer. Gentle speech helps.
Myth 5: ‘This will never go away again.’ Fact: The brain is neuroplastic (formable). With training and therapy, the nervous system learns that not all stress is life-threatening. Dissociations become rarer and shorter. There is hope.
A word at the end
If you suffer from dissociations, please take the following with you: You're not broken. Your brain is pretty awesome. It has found a way to protect you in times when you would otherwise be broken. Unfortunately, it has learned this protection mechanism so well that it now applies it too often.
The path of healing is not to fight against dissociation (‘I must not step away!’), but to create security. The more confident you feel in your body and life, the less often your brain will have to pull the emergency brake.
It's a way. He's exhausting. But he's walkable.
📚 Recommended books on the subject
Note: This section contains promotional links (affiliate links). If you buy through it, I'll get a small commission. There are no additional costs for you.
For understanding & basics
1. ‘Stop the egg dance: For relatives of people with borderline’
- Authors: Paul T. Mason and Randi Kreger
- Content: The classic for relatives to understand the dynamics of the relationship and to maintain one's own boundaries without breaking off contact.
- 🛒 To the book on Amazon.de
2. ‘Advisory Borderline Disorder: Information for data subjects and relatives’
- Authors: Martin Bohus and Markus Reicherzer
- Content: Compact, scientifically sound basic knowledge from the leading German DBT expert. Explains neurobiology (brain metabolism) very well without being too complicated.
- 🛒 To the book on Amazon.de
Especially on the subject of trauma & dissociation
3. "Trauma and the Consequences" (Volume 1)
- Author: Michaela Huber
- Content: The standard work on dissociation. It goes deep into the matter of traumatic fission and explains exactly why the brain reacts the way it reacts.
- 🛒 To the book on Amazon.de
4. ‘The Enemy within: How to deal with the critical inner personality part”
- Author: Michaela Huber
- Content: Many sufferers dissociate from self-hatred or shame. This book helps to understand the ‘inner critic’ and to make peace with oneself.
- 🛒 To the book on Amazon.de
Practice & Skills (workbooks)
5. ‘Borderline: The self-help book’
- Authors: Andreas Knuf and Christiane Tilly
- Content: Very practical and empathic. Less theory, but many exercises for everyday life, the ‘emergency case’ and dealing with emotions.
- 🛒 To the book on Amazon.de
6. ‘DBT Skills Training: Skills for a meaningful life’
- Author: Martin Bohus
- Content: This is the new, revised standard edition (replaces the old worksheets). It contains all the important modules of DBT (mindfulness, stress tolerance, dealing with feelings) and is the workbook used in almost all clinics.
- 🛒 To the book on Amazon.de
Biographical & Encouraging
7. “I hate you – don’t leave me: The Black and White World of the Borderline Personality’
- Authors: Jerold J. Kreisman and Hal Straus
- Content: A world bestseller that captivates with many case studies. It helps enormously against the feeling of being ‘the only person in the world’ with these problems.
- 🛒 To the book on Amazon.de
Glossary - Key terms related to dissociation & Borderline
Borderline Personality Disorder (BPS)
A mental illness characterized by strong emotional fluctuations, intense relationship experiences, an unstable self-image and high internal tension. People with borderline often experience feelings more intensely and are more sensitive to stress and interpersonal stimuli.
dissociation
A protective mechanism of the brain in case of overload. Perceptions, feelings, thoughts or body sensations are partially or completely separated from conscious experience. Dissociation happens involuntarily and serves to stabilise in the short term.
Depersonalisation
A form of dissociation in which those affected no longer feel connected to yourself. Thoughts, movements or one's own voice seem foreign or automated, as if one were observing oneself from the outside.
Derealisation
A form of dissociation in which the Environment unreal or distorted is perceived. Spaces, people or sounds feel artificial, flat or far away, even though they are known to be real.
Emotional numbness
A state of strongly subdued or seemingly absent feelings. Joy, sadness, fear or anger are hardly noticeable. This condition often occurs in the context of dissociation and is not a sign of indifference.
triggers
An external or internal stimulus that activates the nervous system and triggers old stress or injury patterns. Triggers can be words, situations, memories, closeness, rejection or certain moods – often without conscious control.
nervous
The biological system that controls perception, feelings, stress responses and bodily functions. In people with borderline, the nervous system often reacts faster and more intensively to stimuli, which favors overload.
Amygdala
An area in the brain responsible for assessing danger and triggering anxiety and stress responses. In case of emotional overload, the amygdala can become very active and trigger protective reactions such as dissociation.
Prefrontal cortex
The part of the brain that is responsible for thinking, planning, impulse control and self-reflection. During severe emotional stress or dissociation, this area is often restrictedly active.
Grounding
A technique for stabilization in which conscious contact with the here and now is established. The aim is to draw attention to the body, the environment or sensory impressions in order to recover from dissociation.
Skills (DBT)
Concrete skills from dialectical behavioral therapy, which are intended to help regulate intense emotions, inner tension or dissociations. These include, for example, breathing exercises, sensory stimuli, movement or mindfulness.
DBT (dialectical behavioral therapy)
A science-based form of therapy designed specifically for people with borderline. It combines acceptance, emotion regulation, mindfulness and concrete behavioral strategies.
Survival strategy
A behavior or internal mechanism that originally served to deal with extreme stress or strain. Dissociation is such a strategy – helpful in acute situations but burdensome in the long term.
self-regulation
The ability to perceive and influence one's own feelings, thoughts and physical states. In borderline, this ability is often limited, but can be strengthened by therapy and exercise.
Early warning signs
Physical, emotional, or mental evidence that an overload or dissociation is imminent. These include, for example, inner emptiness, pressure in the head, tunnel vision or the feeling of unreality.
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