introduction
Setting boundaries sounds simple at first – a clear ‘no’, a withdrawal when it becomes too much, or the need for time for oneself. In reality, however, this is often anything but easy. Especially in relationships with people who Personality disorder suffering – be it Borderline, narcissistic or Histrionic Personality disorder – the issue becomes even more complex. Why? Because in such relationships, emotional dynamics often occur that put clarity and stability to the test.
Boundaries help to preserve one's own space and avoid overburdening. They are like a shield for our mental health. Especially when emotional manipulation, proximity-distance problems or excessive dependence are at play, clear lines are needed.
But how do you recognize your own boundaries? How do you communicate them without feelings of guilt or fear of escalation? And what do you do if the other person does not respect these limits?
Let's dive into an important topic together – with many examples, concrete tips and a clear goal: More self-protection, more clarity and healthier relationships.
What are boundaries anyway?
Boundaries are invisible lines that define where you stop and where the other begins – emotionally, physically and mentally. They help you protect your needs and values.
Emotional boundaries
These affect your feelings and how you deal with them. You have the right to be emotionally unavailable when something becomes too much for you.
Example:
Yourse PartnerHe calls you ten times a day because heShe's afraid you couldThey leave. You feel overwhelmed. An emotional limit would be:
“I can understand that you are afraid, but I need my freedom. I will not answer you immediately if I can.”
Physical boundaries
These affect your body and your personal space.
Example:
If someone hugs you unasked or gets too close, even though you don't want to, you can say:
“I feel uncomfortable getting so close. Please respect my room.”
Mental boundaries
These relate to your thoughts, opinions and beliefs. You have the right to disagree and not be drawn into discussions that are not good for you.
Example:
If youre PartnerConstantly questioning your point of view or manipulatively engaging in discussions, you can say:
“I see it differently and now I want to put the issue to rest.”
How do you recognize your own boundaries?
Setting boundaries begins with recognising one's own needs. But that is not so easy – especially if you are used to adapting or creating harmony at all costs. Here are a few techniques that can help you:
1. Keeping a diary
Write down the situations in which you feel uncomfortable. Pay special attention to physical reactions such as palpitations, tightness in the chest, nervousness or exhaustion.
Example:
“Whenever we argue, he screams at me and I start to tremble. After that, I'm totally exhausted.”
This reaction shows you: A border has been crossed here.
2. mindfulness practising
Pay attention to your feelings in everyday life. If you find yourself feeling overwhelmed, exploited, or hurt, this is a warning sign.
Tip:
Ask yourself the question: “What would I do if I wasn’t afraid to hurt the other person?” The answer often shows you your real limit.
3. Questioning old patterns
Were you often overlooked as a child or have you always learned to be strong? You may find it difficult to set boundaries. Being aware of this is the first step to change.
How do you communicate boundaries?
Setting boundaries does not mean being loud or threatening. It's about clarity, not confrontation. It is important to: Your needs are just as important as each other's.
Clear language, no accusations
Instead of:
“You are always so exhausting!”
better:
“I notice that I often feel exhausted after our conversations. I need a break after that.”
Use "I" messages
They help to take responsibility for one's own feelings without blaming the other.
Examples of formulations:
- “I feel overwhelmed when you call so often.”
- “I need time for myself to be able to react better.”
- “I want you to let me talk you out before you answer.”
Timing is everything
Talk about boundaries not in affect, but in quiet moments. Plan the conversation, take your time and stay with you.
Tip:
Start with recognition:
“I see how difficult this situation is for you. At the same time, I want to tell you something that is important to me …’
Tips for difficult situations
In relationships with personality disorders, boundaries are often challenged. The person can react very emotionally, trigger feelings of guilt or ignore the border. Here are a few strategies:
1. Stay calm
Take a deep breath when your opponent becomes loud or manipulative. You don't have to answer everything. You can also just say:
“I'm getting out of the conversation now. We will talk later.”
2. Repeat your limit
If your opponent does not accept your limit, repeat it calmly, but firmly. You don't have to justify yourself.
Example:
“I said I wanted to be alone tonight. That has not changed.’
3. Seeking protection
If conversations alone aren't enough, get support:
- Mediation: A neutral third person can help clear up misunderstandings.
- Therapy: For yourself to strengthen your boundaries. Or as couples therapy when both sides are ready.
- Self-help groups: The exchange with other affected persons can be very relieving.
Setting limits in narcissistic or borderline-embossed dynamics
Example – Relationship with a person with a narcissistic tendency:
You say:
“I don’t want you to read my messages.”
Answer:
‘What do you have to hide?’
Manipulation is at play here.
Your answer could be:
“I am not concerned with concealment, but with trust. I need my privacy.”
Example – Relationship with a person with a borderline diagnosis:
You want to spend a weekend alone. Yourse PartnerRespond with anger and panic.
“You want to leave me! You don't care!’
Such reactions can put you under pressure.
Your answer could be:
“I understand that this is unsettling you. But I need time for myself to recharge my batteries. I'm coming back – that's for sure.”
Closing word
Setting boundaries is not selfishness – it is an act of self-care. Especially in relationships with personality disorders, they are vital for survival. They help you to create clarity, not to lose yourself and to enable a healthy interaction with each other.
But: This is a process. You don't learn it from one day to the next. It takes time, practice, sometimes setbacks. But every set limit is a step towards self-respect.
‘Setting boundaries does not mean locking out others – but giving yourself space.’
📚 Further literature on Amazon (affiliate links)
- The Power of Borders: Practical Techniques to Say No, Overcome Guilt and Build Healthy Relationships
A practice-oriented guide that helps to set clear boundaries while remaining authentic. - Saying no without feeling guilty: Setting Healthy Limits
This book offers strategies to say "no" without feeling guilty and to establish healthy boundaries in relationships. - Love knows your limits: The emotional-energetic training for a strong self
Ludwig Schwankl shows ways to find more self-love and inner strength by setting boundaries. - Understand narcissism: A Comprehensive Guide to Dealing with Narcissistic Personality Disorder
This book helps to overcome the fear of vulnerability, set healthy boundaries and communicate effectively. - Borderline personality disorder: A Guide to Understanding and Dealing with BPS
An empathetic guide that provides insights into borderline personality disorder and shows how to deal with it.
💡 Note: The links are affiliate links. If you buy through these links, I will receive a small commission – for you, of course, the price will remain the same. So you can support my work on the blog a little bit.
Glossary:
borders
Boundaries are personal lines that show where your well-being, values and needs start – and where you stop feeling responsible for the behaviour or feelings of others. They protect your emotional, mental and physical health.
Emotional boundaries
These affect your feelings and how you communicate them or protect yourself from overload.
Example: “I can listen to you, but I need some rest afterwards.”
Physical boundaries
These affect your body and your personal space. Everyone has a right to decide for themselves what feels physically good or unpleasant.
Example: "Please don't touch me if I don't want to."
Mental boundaries
Mental boundaries protect your thoughts, beliefs and opinions. They help you to distinguish yourself against manipulation or constant criticism.
Example: “I understand your opinion, but I see it differently.”
Personality disorder
Personality disorder is a mental illness in which certain behavioural or thought patterns are strong – often so much so that they put a heavy strain on social interaction or relationships with others.
Borderline Personality Disorder (BPS)
People with this disorder experience strong fluctuations in their feelings, often have great fear of being abandoned, and show intense, sometimes erratic relationships.
Typical: Black-and-white thinking (“You are either very great or very terrible.”)
Narcissistic personality disorder (NPS)
People with narcissistic traits or this disorder often have an exaggerated self-image, demand admiration and can hardly bear criticism. Empathy for others is often lacking.
Typical: manipulation; Gaslighting, depreciation.
I-messages
Form of communication in which you name your feelings and needs without blaming the other.
Example: Instead of ‘You get me ready’ → ‘I feel hurt when you get loud’.
Gaslighting
Psychological manipulation in which someone tries to make you doubt your own perception or mind.
Example: “You just imagined that – that was never the case.”
triggers
A stimulus or situation that triggers a strong emotional response – often due to past experiences or trauma.
Example: Criticism can activate old injuries in some people.
mindfulness
The ability to live consciously in the moment and perceive what you are feeling – without evaluating.
Example: Feel when you become uneasy inside and take a break in time.
Mediation
A structured conversation with a neutral third person to help resolve conflicts when direct conversations are no longer possible or too emotional.
Self-care
Actively taking care of one’s own needs – physically, mentally and mentally. This includes, for example, taking time-outs, saying no or accepting help.
Manipulation
A behavior in which someone tries to move or control you towards something – often in a hidden or emotional way.
Example: “If you really loved me, you would do that for me.”
guilt
An unpleasant feeling that arises when you think you have done something wrong or disappointed someone – often even when there is objectively no reason for it.
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